John Stott famously coined the phrase “double listening”. He says: “The phrase ‘double listening’ has always been significant for me. And it means that we’re called to listen both to the Word of God, and to today’s world, in order to relate the one to the other”. Over the next 8 weeks, as we consider one of the biggest topics in our world, sex and relationships, we are going to try and grow in our ability to listen to both God’s Word and listen to the culture around us.
So here are five things that I think culture is saying about sex and relationships, and five things from God’s Word that speak directly into these themes. Do also read my previous blog called 10 things you didn’t know about God and Sex.
Five things our culture is saying
(1) Sex is very desirable. It is clear that people today want sex. All the advertising, all the dating sites, all the one-night stands, all the Hollywood movies and all the talk in the office or down the sports club reveal that our culture is desperate for sex. Why? Point 2!
(2) Sex is essential in order to be happy. Sex offers so much in the way of pleasure, intimacy, security and status that to not have sex is to not be fulfilled, not to be satisfied…not to be fully human.
(3) Sex is on my terms. Typically people want sex on their terms – when they want it, how they want it, with whomever they want to have it (if they are fortunate enough to be so irresistible!). The underlying message from our culture is that you should be free to have sex any way and with whomever you want. It’s your choice, don’t let anyone else tell you what to do. It’s your body. It’s your life. It’s your freedom!
(4) Sex has to be consensual. The only exception to number 3 is that everyone thinks sex should be consensual and not coerced. This seems to be a moral absolute we all still agree on. Last year we ran a discussion evening on sex and a friend of mine from work came along and afterwards he was challenging us that the traditional Christian view on sex was outdated and restricted. So I asked him for his ‘moral standard’ when it comes to sex. He said that as long as sex was consensual you could do what you wanted. So I said, “is it okay for two brothers to have sex?” and he paused and said, “I guess…as long as they both agree.” As long as both people want it, anything goes.
(5) Sex precedes marriage. The idea of ‘saving yourself’ is becoming rarer and rarer. To marry as a virgin is not the normal thing to do and it will probably mean you are seen as weird. My colleagues can’t believe I have only ever had sex with one girl in my life and only within marriage.
There are many other things that our culture is saying but there were the five that came to mind immediately. So what does God’s word say to these five issues?
Five things the bible says
(1) Sex is a wonderful gift from God. Genesis 1-2 says that God created man and woman and he created them to have sex. He made their sexual organs. He designed our bodies in such a way that sex would be an essential part of human flourishing. God’s intention was that a man and a woman would desire each other and that they would channel that desire for sex towards marriage. So in one sense, it is no surprise our culture desires sex; it is a wonderful gift from God.
(2) Sex is one way to find partial-fulfilment. Jesus was single. The Apostle Paul was single. In heaven there will be no sex (read Matthew 20). So it is clear that to be ‘fully human’ and to be ‘fulfilled’, you don’t need to have sex. However, as sex is one of God’s gifts, it is one of the ways he enables us to find pleasure, intimacy, security and status and for this we should give thanks and rejoice. Since, according to Genesis 1-2, it seems that God’s intention is that most people will marry, it is a great gift for most people to find partial-fulfilment. I say partial fulfilment because sex can never fully satisfy us, only God can do that. To be fully human is to be known by God and find your greatest satisfaction in his love. This means whether you’re single or married, whether you’re having sex or not, you can be fully satisfied. This brings amazing freedom to our lives because our personal satisfaction is not dependent on how good our sex-life is.
(3) Sex is according to God’s authority. If I was to buy a new car then the best thing I could do to treat the car right would be to listen to the manufacturer and read the manual. Left to my own devices I wouldn’t be able to get the full benefit out of the car. At best I might work out how to use it to 60-80% of its capabilities and at worst, as I often find out when trying to figure something out without reading the manual first, I’d make a complete hash of it. Well, since God is the author of sex, we need to listen to him and read his manual. We need to have sex as he has outlined in the Bible to get the most out of it. Now this is without doubt the biggest challenge our culture has with Christianity. The Bible seems to contradict what our natural desires want. So we have a choice; we either listen to the manual and learn self-control and find ultimate satisfaction in God or we ditch the manual, allow our desires to rule us, and get 60-80% out of the gift or, at worst, make a complete hash of it. I would argue that our culture is selling itself short, and often making a complete hash of it when not having sex God’s way.
(4) Sex has to be consensual. This is where culture and scripture align 100%. Though, as in point 3, there are more moral guidelines to be factored in.
(5) Marriage precedes sex. The Bible says that commitment precedes vulnerability. Once you have vowed to love and remain committed to one another, there is the ability to be vulnerable and share everything – body, mind and soul. We can be “naked and unashamed”, we don’t need to hide or hold anything back, because the person we are being intimate with has vowed never to leave us. This gives us security to share and be vulnerable. Again, this would be an area where culture typically looks at Christianity and thinks it is dated and restrictive. However, my challenge in this situation is that our world doesn’t seem to be flourishing nor is satisfied in the area of sex. So maybe we need to sit a bit more humbly and consider the view our forefathers had with regards to sex being reserved for marriage.
I am sure there is more that could be said. However, my aim in this post was not to give a full length essay on what culture and what God says about sex, but rather to help us start to listen to culture and listen to God’s Word and relate the two to one another.
I hope you’ll be able to join us over the next 8 weeks and I hope even when you disagree with my conclusions or disagree with what the Bible says, we can have a respectful conversation about it and before we speak, make sure we have listened and understood the other person’s point of view.