Sunday service is about to finish and you already know what’s coming next. The mingling and socialising time. People are off to get coffee, they are reconnecting and engaging in lively conversations. You hear bursts of laughter all around you. And there you are, a little overwhelmed, quite tired at this point and scanning the room for a friendly face or even wishing you could hide somewhere. Does that sound familiar? Maybe it’s hard for you to start a conversation or even join one? Maybe you’re just very tired after the service and last thing you want is to have to chat to people? Well, you are not alone fellow introvert!
That’s a bit of a simplification. A good way to look at the tw
o groups is by defining the source of their energy and the way of recharging. Extroverts, they get their energy from being with people – they thrive in social situations. Introverts need alone time to recharge and get tired pretty quick when around others. Remember, introvert doesn’t mean shy! Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, while introversion is simply the preference for less stimulation. It’s also important that nobody is 100% introvert or extrovert – it’s not a black or white category but rather a spectrum. So you can even be a bit of both.
We are all different. And that’s a good thing! God, in His wisdom and love, created us in various places on the extrovert-introvert scale. Yet, as someone who is more on the introverted side of the spectrum, I’m often faced with guilt and fear. I feel guilty that I’m not engaging with others as much as I should. I’m scared that I won’t fit in because I’m not ‘fun’ enough. And even if the wish to hide somewhere after the sermon is a bit of an exaggeration, for a lot of people Sunday service can be a very draining and uncomfortable experience. Whether intentional or not, many aspects of Western culture cater to extroverts more – and that can also transcend to the modern church. However, dear introverts, you can find a way to enjoy and flourish in church, without compromising who you are. Here are few tips:
Start small. If making friends on a Sunday sounds like an impossible task, join a City Group – they are smaller groups and much less intimidating. They’re a great place to get to know people better. Or you can find someone who might be struggling with the same thing and form a Life Group with them. Who knows, maybe you’ll make a life long friend!
Ask questions. Focus on the other person, channel your curiosity! Especially if you don’t like being a centre of attention. Approach the conversation with genuine interest and you will be able to invite further interactions.
Don’t hide. Resist the temptation! I am definitely not an advocate for forcing yourself to do something that makes you very uncomfortable, but I do think it’s good to challenge yourself. Find two people and join them in conversation (even if by listening). Find someone who’s sitting alone and ask if they liked the service. It’s the small steps that will bring you great joy and satisfaction.
Serve. Joining a serving team is a great way to have a sense of belonging. And there are roles that don’t require a lot of people engagement (set up, visuals – check them out here) but can help you step out of your comfort zone and get to know few people.
Stay positive. Sometimes the anxiety is strong and so hard to overcome. But be gracious with yourself and know that there are people who love, genuinely want to know you and value you for who you are.
And now for you, dear extroverts. We love you and sometimes we want to be more like you because we think it would be easier. Sometimes it feels like we live in an extroverted world that wants us to change so we will adapt. But what we actually need is for you to understand us a bit better and help us embrace our inner introvert.
We are not weird. If you see us sitting quietly in a corner, it doesn’t mean we hate people and don’t want to talk to you. It might just mean that we used all our energy for that evening and might need a bit of alone time.
We love to chat. Just not always in a large group setting. But we thrive in one-to-one conversations! We are actually pretty good at communication.If you want to get to know us better, try to engage with us individually.
Don’t tease us in public. At least not until you really know us. It’s not that we’re very touchy and sensitive, it’s just sometimes it’s hard to respond in a witty way we wish we could
We have things to say. If we are quiet in a conversation (especially in a group), it doesn’t mean we don’t have an opinion. We are probably just processing what you said and coming up with a response. Most of the time someone beats us to it!
We need a bit of help. If you see someone lingering around your group but not joining, invite them in and catch them up on what you’re talking about. They will appreciate it.
The solution is not to accommodate only to introvert preferences, or only to extrovert preferences. The church needs both! Introverts need extroverts like extroverts need introverts. Let’s help each other develop meaningful friendships. After all, we are Christians who happen to be introverts/extroverts – not the other way around.
By Ola Ngaditono