A few weeks ago I went to the pub after the church service for the first time since Faye was born. That made me realise that we’re starting to find a ‘new normal’ for our lives. And that I’m now in a place where I have a bit of space in my head for something other than feeding, sleeping and poo (not sure if I’m talking about hers or mine there!). Five months previously we’d brought Faye along to Synge Street for the first time. She slept through the whole thing, but I was so distracted I couldn’t have told you anything about what was going on or who was there.
My Sunday afternoons now are usually spent trying to get Faye to have a little nap so she doesn’t completely lose it before we get home. So I’m often either walking the streets with the buggy or hiding somewhere in the school rocking her to sleep. I nearly always miss the songs (my favourite bit of the service), and then she’s awake again for the talk, so we’re either trying to keep her quiet enough to stay in, or going for the easier but more isolated option of taking her out to the crèche room.
Sometimes I wonder why we go on a Sunday at the moment. To be honest, it’s not great timing for us and can just be a bit stressful. But as soon as I think that, I know why we persevere. Church isn’t just about Sundays; this is our community, our family; and we’re still part of it, even when we can’t always join in with everything. Added to that, Faye is so fortunate to already have people who welcome her, care for her and love her; and I want her to grow up in this community, learning for herself to welcome, care for and love others.
I also know that it will get easier. Her nap times will change over the next months, and then the timing will be better. And one day she’ll be old enough to join the kids’ group – hallelujah!!!
Becoming a mum has been an interesting experience. Most people in Christ City Church knew me and Justin before we were parents, and it’s nice to think that people know me as me; not just as Faye’s mum. But also I’m not the same person I was before she was born, and I’m still getting used to that. It’s weird how it changes. I do still want to be my own person, but I’m so inextricably linked with Faye that things have to be different.
It’s making me think about my relationship with God as well, and my identity in him. Things have to be different because knowing God changes everything. When Faye was born I’ll admit my Bible reading took a bit of a back seat. But one thing I’m so glad about is that I’ve been reading it for years before now, so I could remember some verses to keep me going. I’ve been going to mum and baby yoga a few times (I know, it sounds a bit hideous, but it’s actually quite fun). At the end there’s a relaxation bit and the teacher waves toys at the babies to keep them quiet. She often says if you’re having trouble relaxing to repeat a mantra in your head. Instead of what she suggests, I’ve been remembering a line from Psalm 62: ‘my soul finds rest in God alone’, and I’ve found it really helpful.
Although I haven’t been so great at reading my Bible, I’ve definitely been praying more. I’ve been more desperate for God in the tough times, and more thankful to God in the fun times. Some people have said that when they became a parent they understood God’s love for them better, as they experienced unconditional love for their child. And I can see that. I love Faye the same whether she smiles, laughs, and sleeps at all the right times; or whether she cries constantly and won’t sleep. She doesn’t have to earn my love. It’s the same with us and God. And when I really start to get that it blows my mind.
As I said at the beginning of this blog post, we seem to be finding our ‘new normal’, with new rhythms for life. It’s a good time to revisit what our priorities are, and make sure we build our lives around them. I’m so grateful to our church family for loving us and supporting us in this big change.
By Caroline Anderson